Trump Will Unify the Country by Punishing His Sexual Accusers

After his election victory Donald Trump promised he will be the president for all Americans. Today he announced his specific intentions to unify the country. Trump said:

Folks, I promised I will be the President for all Americans. I thought a lot how I can achieve it best. And here is what I decided.

To heal our divisions and unify the country behind me we have to punish my sexual accusers — all the women who in the last weeks of my campaign came up and told all the lies, saying that I did to them things I had said on the Hollywood Access tape I usually do. We can’t be unified until those women are hugely punished.

Also, to unify the country we have to deport Alicia Machado. America won’t be made great again until Miss Piggy is allowed to stay here and prevent me from making America great again with her opinions about me.

(Image credit: Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons)